12.09.02

i really don't know why i'm in school.

i am not capable of making deadlines. not only that, but deadlines throw me into a frenzy of self-hating procrastinatory behavior and i always end up feeling like i'm about to either jump out of my skin with anxiety or pass out and sleep in a coma for a few years. nothing in between. finals week every fucking semester, every year is like this. the dread of it coming. the dread of study week. the looming days where i SHOULD BE doing work.

the endless nights, the nausea of too much coffee, too many cigarettes, not enough sleep. the zombie-like days where i spend hour upon hour staring with glazed eyes at my name on a document in ms word. signed onto AIM. refreshing my mail every two seconds, in case somebody has written me email.

all the while feeling a sinking dread in my stomach.

the fuck it's not going to get done it's not going to get done i can't do it just DO IT bitch lazy bitch why are you doing this to yourself just write your goddamn paper it's overdue you have no choice why can't you just hand something in goddamn you? ticker-tape of loathing parading through my brain.

and this horrible feeling of desperation. frantic, terrified, desperation.

what will it take for me to just sit down and WORK?

i try, i get up, i smoke, i sit down, i get up, i get coffee, i sit down, i stare, i cry, and all the while the damn blank document glares at me.

i hate this time of year.

i haven't slept since Saturday night but I have not so much to show for my efforts, and two now overdue papers. Which, if I don't finish, will cause the rest of my finals to become overdue in turn.

i want for this all to be over. i want to wake up in a different life without deadlines that i know that i won't make but hate myself all the same each time i don't make them.

school makes me feel like the laziest waste of space loser in the world.

think they'll put that in the admissions brochure?

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