05.10.01

This is where you find out that all that stuff about having real relationships is crap.

All that stuff about “being fully present” and “being yourself” and “just being who you are”…?

It’s crap.

What it should say is, “As long as you show no weakness, have no needs, no emotional foibles that I can’t understand and are fully available and accepting of other people’s weaknesses and needs, feel free to be fully present, be yourself, just be who you are.”

Just as long as you’re perfect.

I’m remembering, there’s a reason I have a hard time letting down my guard and letting people in. With admitting to having difficulty. With the idea of taking up resources. I’m really good as the friend who listens to other people’s emotional garbage heaps and pats them on the back and is constantly available for often repetitive rants about life, the universe, self-doubt, anything.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t back away from gut spillage. Who doesn’t pull a disappearing act at crucial moments of need. And yet, I have a hard time feeling entitled to the same thing.

I’m talking around things. I’m guilty of being vague.

I had a moment of weakness. Perhaps too much time spent in therapy lead me to think that being honest about personal struggles was A Good Thing.

I regret it. I want to take it back. I want to wrap myself back up in the façade of normal, and say “Everything is just perfectly fucking FINE, thankyouverymuch. Let’s go back to your issues, which, by nature of being yours, are okay.”

This is a sad story about a girl and her Trust Issues. About a girl who is struggling to exist in three dimensions, with the constant fear of three dimensions being Too Much.

And it is, evidently.

Why did I think it would be otherwise?

***

xoxo,

moonbird

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